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Arrowpoint Innzone

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76 Re: Arrowpoint Innzone on Thu Mar 10, 2016 11:49 pm

"I'm sorry," I frown as I press my lips to her forehead.

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77 Re: Arrowpoint Innzone on Fri Mar 11, 2016 12:01 am

I tense against his kiss, reaching up to wipe at my cheeks before sighing. 

"I've always gone after people who are awful for me, and it's always ended badly... I'm just afraid of messing this up."

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78 Re: Arrowpoint Innzone on Fri Mar 11, 2016 12:07 am

"You're not going to mess it up," I respond quietly, trying not to squirm at the subject of her and Jean. It's difficult, though - particularly after the awkward attempt at intimacy we'd just had.

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79 Re: Arrowpoint Innzone on Fri Mar 11, 2016 12:36 am

I nod weakly against him, hugging my arm across his chest. 

"I haven't seen my dad since I was fifteen, and Jean never knew about what happened. My sister likely hated me for messing around with her boyfriend... Everyone I've ever been close with, I've ruined it somehow. 

"And now I've gone and messed tonight up..."

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80 Re: Arrowpoint Innzone on Fri Mar 11, 2016 12:47 am

"Can we just agree we both misread each other?" I ask with a frown. "I knew you weren't comfortable, and I still got caught up in the moment and kept going. I thought if I focused on making you feel good, it would make it easier, but I should have known better than that. I always felt more ashamed and uncomfortable when it was about me - I don't know why I thought it would be different for you."

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81 Re: Arrowpoint Innzone on Fri Mar 11, 2016 12:49 am

"Don't put yourself in his place," I frown softly, twisting my head to look up at him. "That's not what this is... I'm not you, and you're not him."

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82 Re: Arrowpoint Innzone on Fri Mar 11, 2016 1:01 am

"I don't know how else to look at it," I admit quietly, my head tilting to avoid her gaze. "I don't have anything else to compare it to. Even just in general, if things hadn't gone the way they had... I don't know anything else. Even with Luella, I was Richard and she just did what I asked... I don't - I don't know how else to approach it in a role where I'm supposed to like it. I get scared if someone isn't in control."

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83 Re: Arrowpoint Innzone on Fri Mar 11, 2016 1:04 am

"No," I shake my head, "I don't accept that you think of yourself as him. If you were, from what I understand... Whether I liked it or not, you'd have continued... You'd have gotten what you wanted regardless of me. But you didn't, because you're Marnin. And Marnin is a good man."

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84 Re: Arrowpoint Innzone on Fri Mar 11, 2016 1:15 am

"Marnin would have just laid there quietly," I murmur quietly, my fingers combing her hair back out of her face as I sigh. "If anything, I was Marnin's dick."

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85 Re: Arrowpoint Innzone on Fri Mar 11, 2016 1:26 am

I cringe at the phrase, shaking my head as I prop myself up and look at him seriously. 

"No," I say again. "You're not who you used to be, and I know that because the man before me is not the one you describe in your stories. You're my Marnin, and it was your goodness that's helped me. Is still helping me.

"I'd be a miserable shut in if it weren't for you. You've been my best, and only, friend for nearly six years." I continue, my voice wavering weakly as I swallow back my tears, "I'm the one that made this awful, not you."

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86 Re: Arrowpoint Innzone on Fri Mar 11, 2016 1:34 am

"Stop," I frown as I squeeze her to my side, still avoiding her gaze as I shake my head. "I don't want to talk about it anymore."

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87 Re: Arrowpoint Innzone on Fri Mar 11, 2016 1:52 am

I tense as I shake my head, steeling my resolve as I push up a bit further to half-sit beside him. 

"If, by this theory, you're Richard, then I used to be, too." I say weakly. "I went after the people I wanted, with no regard for how it might hurt them or others. I flirted shamelessly with Jean for months before he even began to entertain the idea, I danced around behind Maja's back for years. Everytime they broke up, I'd show up at his apartment. He'd tell me to leave, and I'd whine about feeling guilty and wanting to tell Maja about it all... And he'd invite me inside. I knew what I was doing, I knew it would hurt her, and I did it anyway. Because I didn't care. I felt good, so what else mattered?

"And before Jean, I practically ruined our family. I would flirt endlessly with my father. I don't remember when it started, why it started, but I did. And he would ignore it, ignore me, and I got so angry at him for it that I'd just try harder. Until one night I crawled into his bed, when I was fourteen years old, in nothing but my knickers. 

"I'd never seen him cry before. Not like that, not disgusted at his own child. That's why I don't go back. Why I haven't seen him in almost ten years. Who I was is why I never blamed Jean for leaving after Maja died." I finish weakly, sniffling as I rub at my face. In moments like this, I'm grateful for his lack of sight. I know I must look pathetic. 

"I have ruined every good thing I've ever had - Every good thing around me, but I'm not that person anymore. And if I can believe you when you tell me that... Why can't you believe me when I say you're not, either?"

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88 Re: Arrowpoint Innzone on Fri Mar 11, 2016 1:46 pm

I let out a choked out laugh, the sound one of bitter hopelessness. Rolling onto my side, I content myself with combing her hair between my fingers, my thumb straying to her cheek to wipe away the tears that have fallen there.

"It's different, Lju," I say quietly. "I am different, yes, but... there's a part of me that still struggles to function without his guidance. A part of me that still gets excited by his tactics, his fetishes, the fact that he's my brother and I know it's wrong, but it gets me so fucking hot knowing what I do to him.

"I don't know," I breathe roughly. My skin is practically glowing with shame now, and it takes everything on me not to pull away and avoid her gaze again. "It scares me that it's still so easy for me to pull on all of that, especially with you... I don't know the first thing about flirting or pleasing someone without his voice telling me what to do next... I turned it into your voice to get through this, but the things he'd say... those are things that would never come out of your mouth."

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89 Re: Arrowpoint Innzone on Fri Mar 11, 2016 2:10 pm

"So don't have me say them," I frown, "Don't pull on him at all. I'd rather you embarrass yourself a hundred times than bring his memory on me that way."

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90 Re: Arrowpoint Innzone on Fri Mar 11, 2016 2:35 pm

"I know," I say in earnest, my chest tightening at the thought of the lines between them blurring. "I hate it, I don't know why I do it..."

My jaw tightens as I roll into her side, my face burying against her as I wrap an arm around her. "Why did you want that attention from your dad?" I ask quietly, my voice muffled against her before I pick my face up to nuzzle closer to her. "What were you looking for? How did it make you feel?"

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91 Re: Arrowpoint Innzone on Fri Mar 11, 2016 2:46 pm

I tense, the scruff of his beard tickling at my side. I shift to sit more upright, freeing my arms to rest around him as I run my fingers through his hair.

"I don't really remember, exactly..." I respond quietly, "Maybe it was seeing Maja and her boyfriends, I wanted to emulate her? Maybe it was the occasional women my dad dated, and I got jealous... Maybe it was the way he said I was the spitting image of my mother... I don't really remember when or why it started. I just felt like I needed it..." I swallow back the bile that's risen in my throat, shifting beneath him. "Maybe I was just a sick little girl."

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92 Re: Arrowpoint Innzone on Fri Mar 11, 2016 2:54 pm

"You weren't sick," I frown as I tuck a hand under my cheek to tilt my face up toward her a little more. "I don't know... It makes you more human somehow, if that makes sense. I was always afraid of telling you about - you know... I had it in my head that you were somehow above all of this mess. That you'd think less of me if I told you. It's comforting knowing you're a little messed up, too."

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93 Re: Arrowpoint Innzone on Fri Mar 11, 2016 3:46 pm

"You're comforted by the fact I'm completely incapable of being intimate?" I laugh weakly, lamely.

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94 Re: Arrowpoint Innzone on Fri Mar 11, 2016 3:54 pm

"I know, it's silly," I laugh lamely. "I mean, I want to be intimate with you, I do... but it's less intimidating knowing you're okay if we take things slow. That's always been my issue when I've tried to date... intimacy is just expected, and then I panic and fall headlong into those unhealthy habits that leave me feeling dirtier than the desire to be touched made me feel to begin with.

"I don't know," I sigh as I nuzzle in closer to her. "I like this and I like that it doesn't have to be sexual."

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95 Re: Arrowpoint Innzone on Fri Mar 11, 2016 4:07 pm

I nod slightly, my fingers still curling in his hair as I stare blankly off at the wall. 

"If that's what you wanted... Just... You're contradicting yourself." I frown, "You wanted this with me, I thought. You were upset because I'd been so shut down with you but had been with Jean in the past? You told me half the reason you carried on with that prostitute was because you needed this sort of intimacy?"

I let out a low and steady breath, trying to keep any accusation from my tone as I continue, "So why, now, is it something you're happy to live without..?"

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96 Re: Arrowpoint Innzone on Fri Mar 11, 2016 4:32 pm

"I'm not happy to live without it," I frown as I roll onto my back to rest my head in her lap. "I just like being able to do this without having to have sex." I'm squirming uncomfortably now as I frown and avoid her gaze. "I liked Luella because we could do this and she didn't say anything if I didn't want to do anything else...

"And I was mad about Jean because we couldn't even do this without you pulling away - you didn't even like me touching your arm," I exhale heavily as I shift uncomfortably again. "I wasn't expecting sex from you, Lju... I just wanted to be able to touch you without you being afraid that I would take more than you wanted to give."

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97 Re: Arrowpoint Innzone on Fri Mar 11, 2016 4:40 pm

I can feel my eyes brimming with tears again, my fingers pulling from his hair as I adjust my shirt sleeves anxiously. His hair brushing against my stomach tickles as I consider pulling my shirt closed, unwilling to move him to accomplish it as I look around the room. 

"What else did you do with Luella, then..?" I ask softly, "I mean, you said you could do this, and she didn't mind if you didn't want more... Not that you didn't want more, if. So what else is it you crave?"

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98 Re: Arrowpoint Innzone on Fri Mar 11, 2016 4:56 pm

"I don't know," I mumble as I fidget with the corner of her shirt, a guilty flush coloring my ears. "Just stuff... it wasn't all that often, but when we did do stuff, it never really got too far. I didn't really want it to get all the way to sex, but... I don't know. I liked what we were doing. Or I would if we were ready for it."

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99 Re: Arrowpoint Innzone on Fri Mar 11, 2016 5:08 pm

"I never really had one thing that I liked," I say offhandedly, "I mean, aside from the destructive nature of it all, and I don't want to like that anymore... 

"I won't be as well versed as Luella," I say the name mockingly, a soft sneer still tainting my lips as I think of the overly-pleasant woman, "probably downright novice in comparison, but I'd like to find out what we'd like together? Slowly, maybe, but- uhm, no. Slowly, certainly. If I know it won't go too far, I'd be much more comfortable."

My fingers begin running through his hair again as I look down at him, the arm curled over his chest twisting just slightly so my nail can drag along his jaw line.

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100 Re: Arrowpoint Innzone on Fri Mar 11, 2016 5:38 pm

"I'd like that," I nod, my eyes closing contently as she touches my jaw. My hand has wandered up the back of her shirt now, my fingers tracing light circles on her back as I listen to the sound of her breathing. "We could keep our clothes on, if you like? I don't know, I like clothes..."

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