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Everyone needs a fucking chill pill.

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11 Re: Everyone needs a fucking chill pill. on Wed Dec 14, 2016 8:19 pm

I inhale unsteadily before settling to the floor more comfortably, adjusting my skirt as I nod.

"I've done bad things," I say simply, unwilling to look up at him. "Things you don't agree with, things that... Things that undermine your principles."

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12 Re: Everyone needs a fucking chill pill. on Wed Dec 14, 2016 8:29 pm

"It's not a matter of-," I have to bite back my outrage as I pinch the bridge of my nose, the temptation to yell at her almost too much. "You helped people undermine the course of justice, Lju! You took people's voices, took their courage, and forced them to remain silent so the people who victimized others could continue to get away with it!

"It's just wrong," I say forcefully. "Imagine if you could have your justice for Bea and for your husband, for what happened to you, but someone silenced the only person who could have given it to you. Made them forget or - whatever. Forget my principles, Lju, how would you feel in that position? It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or feels. Imagine the victims' feelings.

"You helped the wrong people, Ljuba. And for what? Money?"

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13 Re: Everyone needs a fucking chill pill. on Wed Dec 14, 2016 8:39 pm

I wince at his words, withdrawing slightly as I try to distract myself with breathing. In, and out, slowly, calmly, but it doesn't do much for the indignant sense of anger in my chest. If I hadn't done what I'd done, those witnesses would've been killed instead. But it doesn't matter. That's not an argument to have, not right now. Not with Marnin, especially. 

"You've never done the wrong things before..?" I ask slowly, hesitantly. "You've never done bad things, made mistakes, regretted part of your life before? You think-" I inhale sharply as I shake my own head angrily, "You think I want your judgment? I get my judgment everytime I look in the mirror, every day I wake up alone, I don't want your fucking lecture about my life choices, Marnin, and I surely don't need it.

"Is this what you came back for?" I ask roughly as I climb back to my feet, stepping away from him as I brush my skirt out, "Your time thinking was spent deciding how to lecture me?"

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14 Re: Everyone needs a fucking chill pill. on Wed Dec 14, 2016 9:00 pm

"I don't need to lecture you," I respond stiffly, my jaw clicking as I grind my teeth and inhale slowly, deeply. "Like I said, I've done my thinking. And I know this is something from your past.

"But I have to know, Ljuba," I say tensely, my voice cracking under the strain of barely contained emotion. "Is it in your past? And please don't - just don't lie to me. Because I have done the wrong things before. I've done shit that I regret, things that I will be judged for, and fucking rightly so.

"But I left it in my past," I frown, the threat of tears becoming very real as I shift uncomfortably in my seat. "And I need to know that you have, too, because otherwise... I can't. I just can't, Ljuba. I already have one person I love testing my ability to forgive and survive with my self-worth intact. It would be the death of me if the woman I care for turned out to be just the same."

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15 Re: Everyone needs a fucking chill pill. on Wed Dec 14, 2016 9:13 pm

I turn to look at him tensely, the grip I'd had on my skirt loosening just slightly as I frown.

"The work I did with Kumarin's guild is behind me." I say sincerely.

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16 Re: Everyone needs a fucking chill pill. on Wed Dec 14, 2016 9:24 pm

There's an odd mixture of relief that mingles with the sinking sensation in the pit of my stomach. All I can do for a long moment is offer a nod as my head drops into my hand, my eyes closing as I focus on the cold of the ice pack pressed against my bruised face. There's something here that I haven't connected yet, I can feel it... but the horrible sense of dread in the pit of my stomach prevents me from digging at it. Even after she's admitted to doing bad things, I still don't want to admit that maybe she's bad. And I don't want to connect the dots that would spell it out for me one way or another.

"Why were you at Lavellan's house?" I ask hollowly, the question forced past my lips before my pleading sense of denial can kill it.

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17 Re: Everyone needs a fucking chill pill. on Wed Dec 14, 2016 9:35 pm

"I didn't want to be alone," I respond softly.

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18 Re: Everyone needs a fucking chill pill. on Wed Dec 14, 2016 9:39 pm

I process that for a long moment before finally nodding tiredly. "Okay."

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19 Re: Everyone needs a fucking chill pill. on Wed Dec 14, 2016 9:40 pm

"Marnin," I start quietly, "What happened to your face..?"

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20 Re: Everyone needs a fucking chill pill. on Wed Dec 14, 2016 9:45 pm

"I got into a fight," I finally admit with a sigh.

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21 Re: Everyone needs a fucking chill pill. on Wed Dec 14, 2016 9:48 pm

"Where-" I frown, stepping forward slightly before conceding and just settling onto my knees to look at him. "With who?"

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22 Re: Everyone needs a fucking chill pill. on Wed Dec 14, 2016 9:51 pm

"At a bar," I respond vaguely, my gaze avoiding hers despite my lack of sight. "With - everyone?"

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23 Re: Everyone needs a fucking chill pill. on Wed Dec 14, 2016 9:55 pm

"Fuck, Marnin, what where you thinking?" I scoot towards him to get a better look at his face when the state of his knuckles catches my attention. They're battered and bloodied, and I wouldn't be remotely surprised if there weren't half a dozen broken or fractured bones underneath that bruised flesh. I inhale sharply as I reach forward towards one of his hands, my fingers brushing lightly against his before I close some of the distance between us to take his hand into mine. 

"Marn, these need medical attention," I frown as I gingerly trace the swollen skin, "I'm taking you to a doctor."

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24 Re: Everyone needs a fucking chill pill. on Wed Dec 14, 2016 10:02 pm

"No," I say sharply, my posture stiffening as I pull my hand away. "No doctors," I say more gently, my posture softening just slightly as I offer my hand back to her, more as a show of good faith than anything. "Doctors are unattractively fond of police."

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25 Re: Everyone needs a fucking chill pill. on Wed Dec 14, 2016 10:04 pm

"Your hands are broken," I frown sharply, taking his hand into both of mine as I look up at him, "You can't just ignore them."

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26 Re: Everyone needs a fucking chill pill. on Wed Dec 14, 2016 10:08 pm

"They'll heal," I say seriously, offering her the ice pack for my hand. "They always do... if it makes you feel better, I can show you how to wrap them and you can help me with that?"

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27 Re: Everyone needs a fucking chill pill. on Wed Dec 14, 2016 10:10 pm

"No," I respond roughly, "That doesn't-" 

Sighing heavily, I take the pack and settle onto the ground in front of him. "What do you have to worry about a bar fight for?"

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28 Re: Everyone needs a fucking chill pill. on Wed Dec 14, 2016 10:13 pm

"My worst injuries are self-inflicted, Lju," I point out quietly, any further description of the fight hanging in the air for her to work out on her own. "Needless to say, I think they might be looking for me at the hospitals."

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29 Re: Everyone needs a fucking chill pill. on Wed Dec 14, 2016 10:18 pm

"Fuck, Marnin," I sigh, tucking the ice pack against his hands before shifting to stand back up. 

"I don't have all the fancy shit you do, but I'm making something for those wounds." I say firmly, eager to fall back into our roles from a week prior than linger on yesterday's anxieties any further.

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30 Re: Everyone needs a fucking chill pill. on Wed Dec 14, 2016 10:22 pm

"Is it topical?" I ask quickly, the idea of anything else turning my stomach.

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31 Re: Everyone needs a fucking chill pill. on Wed Dec 14, 2016 10:23 pm

"It's a spread, yeah," I nod as I head towards the meager kitchen set up, opening the lone cupboard of herbs as I begin digging through them. 

"Help with swelling, keep out infection, and probably sting a bit til it goes numb." I list off the effects, glancing towards him, "Unless you want something else..?"

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32 Re: Everyone needs a fucking chill pill. on Wed Dec 14, 2016 10:26 pm

"No," I say quickly, shaking my head as I flex my injured hands. "I like the pain. And I'm clean. Let's keep it that way."

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33 Re: Everyone needs a fucking chill pill. on Wed Dec 14, 2016 10:27 pm

"No withdrawal symptoms..?" I ask hesitantly, looking back at him. Sweats, shakes, glassy eyes, who'd know with the look of him. 

"Is that why you did it? Got sick of hitting the bag?"

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34 Re: Everyone needs a fucking chill pill. on Wed Dec 14, 2016 10:36 pm

I don't offer a response as I move the ice pack from spot to spot, fidgeting restlessly. I don't know what to say about dropping one drug habit only to fall off another kind of wagon. And I'm so jittery right now, I couldn't say one way or the other if it's the lingering drugs in my system or the adrenaline of the fighting.

So instead I say nothing at all, my gaze fixing on a spot on the floor instead as I wait for her to return with the salve.

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35 Re: Everyone needs a fucking chill pill. on Wed Dec 14, 2016 10:40 pm

The silence is far from a comfortable one as I work in the kitchen, his pointed decision not to answer my question only leaving me feeling at edge as I finish up the salve. Once it's done, I come back to sit on my knees in front of him, removing the ice pack so I can set to work gently spreading it across his knuckles. 

"It needs to be worked into the upper hand," I say softly, my thumbs brushing over the swollen flesh of the back of his hand to let him know what I mean, "Would you like to do it yourself or have me..? It's going to hurt."

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