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Everyone needs a fucking chill pill.

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11 Re: Everyone needs a fucking chill pill. on Wed Dec 14, 2016 8:19 pm

I inhale unsteadily before settling to the floor more comfortably, adjusting my skirt as I nod.

"I've done bad things," I say simply, unwilling to look up at him. "Things you don't agree with, things that... Things that undermine your principles."

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12 Re: Everyone needs a fucking chill pill. on Wed Dec 14, 2016 8:29 pm

"It's not a matter of-," I have to bite back my outrage as I pinch the bridge of my nose, the temptation to yell at her almost too much. "You helped people undermine the course of justice, Lju! You took people's voices, took their courage, and forced them to remain silent so the people who victimized others could continue to get away with it!

"It's just wrong," I say forcefully. "Imagine if you could have your justice for Bea and for your husband, for what happened to you, but someone silenced the only person who could have given it to you. Made them forget or - whatever. Forget my principles, Lju, how would you feel in that position? It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or feels. Imagine the victims' feelings.

"You helped the wrong people, Ljuba. And for what? Money?"

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13 Re: Everyone needs a fucking chill pill. on Wed Dec 14, 2016 8:39 pm

I wince at his words, withdrawing slightly as I try to distract myself with breathing. In, and out, slowly, calmly, but it doesn't do much for the indignant sense of anger in my chest. If I hadn't done what I'd done, those witnesses would've been killed instead. But it doesn't matter. That's not an argument to have, not right now. Not with Marnin, especially. 

"You've never done the wrong things before..?" I ask slowly, hesitantly. "You've never done bad things, made mistakes, regretted part of your life before? You think-" I inhale sharply as I shake my own head angrily, "You think I want your judgment? I get my judgment everytime I look in the mirror, every day I wake up alone, I don't want your fucking lecture about my life choices, Marnin, and I surely don't need it.

"Is this what you came back for?" I ask roughly as I climb back to my feet, stepping away from him as I brush my skirt out, "Your time thinking was spent deciding how to lecture me?"

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14 Re: Everyone needs a fucking chill pill. on Wed Dec 14, 2016 9:00 pm

"I don't need to lecture you," I respond stiffly, my jaw clicking as I grind my teeth and inhale slowly, deeply. "Like I said, I've done my thinking. And I know this is something from your past.

"But I have to know, Ljuba," I say tensely, my voice cracking under the strain of barely contained emotion. "Is it in your past? And please don't - just don't lie to me. Because I have done the wrong things before. I've done shit that I regret, things that I will be judged for, and fucking rightly so.

"But I left it in my past," I frown, the threat of tears becoming very real as I shift uncomfortably in my seat. "And I need to know that you have, too, because otherwise... I can't. I just can't, Ljuba. I already have one person I love testing my ability to forgive and survive with my self-worth intact. It would be the death of me if the woman I care for turned out to be just the same."

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15 Re: Everyone needs a fucking chill pill. on Wed Dec 14, 2016 9:13 pm

I turn to look at him tensely, the grip I'd had on my skirt loosening just slightly as I frown.

"The work I did with Kumarin's guild is behind me." I say sincerely.

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